bl1nk

No one will spit in your food. Well, that is not entirely true but outside of a pub ‘bistro’ practically no one will spit in your food. So you can get over that one. Waiters are generally nice people who like you. We choose to deal with people all night when we would rather be in the pub, shagging and/or staring at the ceiling; and people are often painful. The things that really get up our noses (apart from chefs) are arrogant idiots. Australia is internationally renowned for the aggressive attitude of its inhabitants, and it always seems that lower intelligence breeds compensatory arrogance. Don’t try these at your local:

1. Fill your water glass to the top immediately before leaving. I really don’t know why people do this but it is far more common than you would think. It makes the glass unstackable and causes an extra clearance trip. Really annoying!
2. Order the spiciest thing on the menu and ask for it with no chilli. Obviously this will only work in restaurants which serve spicy food: Thai, Mexican, Indian etc. If you don’t like chilli don’t order it. If you are unsure, ask the  waiter it is what s/he is there for!
3. Eat all of your meal then complain about it. If something is wrong tell them whilst you still have the evidence and it will be fixed! Otherwise shut up and leave.
4. Try to help with clear up. Do this by piling up mismatched plates and cutlery, especially leaning towers caused by uncleared plates. Really, get out of the way but don’t try to help unless you can clear a table of eight in one go.
5. Order only one course but sit around chatting all night. Do this whilst demanding constant refreshes of tap water for bonus points. Remember, the reason there are so few decent places to eat in the country is because you and your 7 mates go out on a Friday or Saturday night, must eat at 7pm, order 5 dishes between 8 of you, take your own booze (because restaurant markups are excessive), then sit around taking up space until 10:30.
6. Annoy other diners, especially by being excessively foul mouthed or by allowing your spoilt brat offspring to run wild. Actually, just taking your brat offspring is enough. If you have small children they should be in bed at 8pm, not throwing food all over some poor bugger’s dining room.
7. Leave a tip of $2 or less, or less than 5% of the total bill if you rack up over $100. Unless the service really sucks it is better to not tip at all or leave a decent tip. What is a decent tip? If the service is good 10% of the bill, if not nothing – there is no problem with not tipping in Australia.
8. Order in a language in which you are not fluent. Bad Italian, French, Thai or Mandarin (especially in a Cantonese restaurant) is just annoying OK.
9. Split the bill, amongst seven, demand large quantities of small change, then complain that you have been ripped off when you can’t add up.
10. Book for 8 people or more but make sure that at least 3 fewer actually turn up. Bonus points for Friday or Saturday nights at around 7-7:30. Don’t book for a group so large that you will have to pay a deposit – 8-10 is optimal.